I just tried putting on a dress. I can’t do it, everyone will just have to...– thanksgiving problems in jersey
teeth and skin, two things i can do without
“today I thought about how shitty it would be if zits were like your skin trying to grow teeth…” thanks for the nightmare.
worstfuckingideas: cashier: wow this little thing is $15??? me: …who hired you?
I hope I get shot at work so I can go home.– Lyly
dutch-ovening the dog. it’s a slow evening.
H: She's gotta be cold, she's fifty thousand years old.
L: Yea, no fur left on that ol' hag
H: Juuuuust stubble.
L: "This doesn't feel like a cat, more like a lizard." - anybody petting ollie
H: please put that on your blog right now. thank god for that blog.
B: once i get the heat going it won't be as dire a situation
L: dire..? the eighteen hundreds called, they want their words back. lol that was funny
dudes always have the upper hand ‘cause they wear the dicks in the...– H
You can’t get raped in two blocks.– L
H: Uh, have you ever been to Kohls? my grandma insisted i go... I hate it obviously.. sucks so much. my life is completely stupid right now in this moment.
L: that is my least favorite store. for sure. like mervyns.
H: OK found socks with cats on them.. not a total loss i guess.
L: I swear i cream myself every time you text me.
different kinds of racism
- i wrote in the card, i just feel guilty for being white all the time. like i just want to tell everyone “i’m sorry, i’d change this if i could” - you can. it’s called blackface. _____________________________________ L: shutup! C: You shuddup! Germans; so angry. L: only when provoked. like the jews did. Oops sorry. C: Fucken jews, too right! Oy this and oy that!...
They made a Ramstein playlist for me at work today– your mom. no, jk, jk.
what to do with food when you have to move.
L: what do you do with the things in your fridge? What about the condiments? H: And of course im taking care of the butter right now. Butter wont be an issue in the move. H: Butter doesn’t fill you up but it does make you sick.
H____ really doesn't like the font.
“Great Font. Totally good pick on the font.” “Who did they consult for this font? It’s for tenth graders”
- How come you like warriors so much? - usually if somebody would be like “oh hi, I’m in the army, i like war” i would just be like “great, i hope you like vomit too, because here she goes”. - I just assume that they fight with broadswords in this war, that’s where my boner comes from
it’s good to call your crunch a crop.
went to the mall...
something funny happened today. i was at the mall buying pleather shorts and combat boots (obviously) and i went to the bathroom and realized: surprise period! so i thought i was alone in there and go “bitch, you gonn’ play me like that?” to my vag. well is wasn’t alone in there. this latina gave me a real nasty look when i came out. whateva! yall dont know me!
on sex, and how nobody wants to have it.
1: it’s like he thought we had sex last night because i like sex. but we only had sex because i was drunk enough to endure it.
2: Hahaha. no kidding. i literally have gotten drunk recently and still been like, "no this isn't going to cut it for me. i want no sex with no body.
1: its such a dumb invention, oh let me stick this part of my body in that hole in your body...
2: stupidest, and should just be called "rape" at all times.
“She probably is realizing dudes have carrots between their legs.”